Best Jokes for Primary Aged Children

I asked yesterday on my twitter and Facebook pages if people could tell me their best jokes for primary aged children. I was expecting to get a couple that I could share with my own kids, but in reality I was inundated by some absolutely brilliant jokes and comments of people taking screenshots of the thread so they could share the jokes with their kids! So I said I would compile all these wonderful jokes on a blog post! So here it is, please feel free to share. Apologies for the mention of poo…but for many children it’s comedy gold!

Photo by Jonathan Borba on Unsplash

You can download a PDF for free of all the jokes here. And if you’re feeling generous, why not buy me virtual coffee here for all my hard work (in between giggling) compiling these jokes into one mega blog post!

  • What did the policeman say to his tummy?…. You’re under a vest!
  • Knock knock, who’s there?, boo, boo who? need to cry.
  • Knock knock, who’s there? Europe Europe who? No you’re a poo!
  • Knock Knock, Who’s there? Smell Mop. Smell Mop Who? Ugh! No Thank You!
  • Why did the baker have brown hands? Because he needed (kneaded) a poo!
  • Why did the banana go to the Doctor? Because he wasn’t peeling very well.
  • What do you call postman Pat without a job ? Pat !!!!
  • What do you get if you cross a dinosaur with a pig? Jurassic pork!
  • What time do you go to the dentist? Tooth hurty
  • Knock knock. Who’s there ? AtishAtish who? Bless you!
  • What kind of room doesn’t have windows or a door? A mushroom. 
  • What do get when you mix a cow with an earthquake. Millshake.
  • What do you call a magician’s dog? A lab-ra-cad-dab-ra!
  • What do you call a donkey with 3 legs? A wonkey!
  • What do you call 2 robbers? A pair of knickers!
  • I’d tell you the joke about the jam but you would spread it 
  • What do lions eat? Roarrr Meat!
  • Why can’t you trust stairs? Because they’re always up to something!
  • 2 snowmen in a field. One snowman says to the other ‘can you smell carrots’?
  • What happens when two giraffes collide together? A giraffic jam.
  • What do you call brown peas?Poop peas!
  • 2 fish in a tank, one says to the other, do you know how to drive this thing?
  • Knock knock…Who’s there?Who…Who who …I didn’t know you were an owl.
  • Why can’t you give Elsa a Balloon? She might let it go….
  • I think I’ve been made upside down! My feet smell and my nose runs.
  • Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7, 8 (ate) 9
  • What do you call mozzarella that does belong to you?Nacho cheese. (Not yo cheese.)
  • What bees produce milk? Boobees
  • Why do you put bulbs on the ground So the worms can see.
  • What’s brown and sticky? A stick!
  • Knock knock. Who’s there? NunyaNunya who? Nunya business.
  • What do you call a fish without an eye? A fsh
  • Why are pirates called pirates? Because they Aaarrrr!
  • What do you call a camel with no humps ? Humphrey 
  • What did one eye say to the other eye? Between you and me, something smells
  • What happened to the ice cream van? It melted
  • Why did Tigger stick his head in the toilet?Because he was looking for Pooh!
  • My 5 year olds favourite at the moment is :What do you call a bear with no ears? B. 
  • What cheese do you use to hide a horse. Maskapony !!
  • What do you call a gorilla with no ears? Anything you like, he can’t hear you.
  • Which monster lives on your finger? The bogey man.
  • Why did the beach blush? Because the sea weed 
  • Knock knockWho’s there? I done up. I done up who? Ha ha ha you’ve done a poo!
  • Where do cows go on a Friday Night? The moooooovies
  • Why wouldn’t the shrimp share his treasure? Because he was a little shellfish.
  • Why do giraffes have long necks? Because their feet smell.
  • Knock Knock. Who’s there? Interrupting cat. Interrupting c… Meow.
  • Why can’t the music teachers start his car? His keys are on the piano.
  • Why did the tomato blush? Because he saw the salad dressing.
  • How do you throw a space party? You planet.
  • What time do the ducks wake up? At the quack of dawn.
  • What type of bug is in the FBI? A Spy-der.
  • Where do fish keep their money? In the riverbank.
  • What do we want? Race car noises! When do we want them? Neeeeeoooow!
  • Why do bananas heave to put on sunscreen before they go to the beach? Because they might peel!
  • Why do we never tell joes about pizza? They’re too cheesy!
  • What’s blue and smells like red paint? Blue paint.
  • Why did the dinosaur cross the road? Because the chicken didn’t exist yet!
  • Why did the golfer wear two pairs or pants? In case he got a hole in one!
  • Knock knock. Who’s there? ‘Ma Damn’ Ma Damn who? Ma damn foot is caught in the door, let me in!
  • I love my furniture. Me and my recliner go way back.
  • Two sausages in a pan. One says to the other ‘it is a bit hot in here!/ The other replies ‘ahh talking sausage!’
  • 2 biscuits crossing the road, one got ran over, what did the other one say? Oh Crumbs!
  • What cheese do you use to encourage pooh bear? Camembert.
  • What did the cheese say to the micro? Halloumi!
  • Why did the cheesemonger buy insulation? Because of the bries!
  • Why are teddy bears never hungry? Because they are always stuffed.
  • What did 8 say to 0, I like your belt!
  • What do you call a dinosaur with one eye? Dyafinkeesaurus!
  • What did Sherlock Holmes do when he dropped his mobile phone? He cracked the case wide open!
  • Why did a man throw water out of a window? He wanted to see the waterfall.
  • Why is it always cold in a football stadium? Because of all the fans!
  • What is orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.
  • Why don’t seagulls fly over bays? Because otherwise they would be called bagels.
  • Why did the children eat their homework? Because their teacher told them it was a piece of cake!
  • Why do mushrooms like to party so much? Because they’re a FUNGI.
  • Whats a crocodiles favourite game? SNAP
  • How do you make a sausage roll? Push it down a hill.
  • Have I ever told you about my bin joke? Nah, it’s rubbish.
  • Why do birds fly south for the winter? Because it’s too far to walk.
  • Knock Knock. Who’s there? Imap. Imap who?
  • Why don’t ants catch flu? Because they have tiny anti-bodies.
  • What do you call two robbers? A pair of knickers.

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